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It is the corrosive suspicion in my heart that makes me question not only the innocuous actions of my loved ones but also myself for any signs of illness.It is the source of the anxiety attacks that have plagued me since I was a teenager.

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We all but erased any discussion of his so-called depression in an effort to honor his memory – as if the shame of mental illness could follow him into the afterlife. When my children were born, I worried about what I would say to them.God wouldn’t have done all of that if he didn’t plan on making it better. How many of our uncles and aunties, having left behind good jobs and respectable homes in Pakistan, grew depressed and disheartened when the American Dream did not embrace them right away. It became a comfortable shawl that I wrapped myself in even though I had no rational reason to do so.I was educated and knew the medical reasons behind schizophrenia, how it was an unfortunate gamble involving genetics and environmental stress factors in which the loser had to pay with his sanity.His children had grown and embarked on successful careers and marriages.He had grandchildren to spoil who loved their Nanoo completely with the untarnished innocence of childhood.

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