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We talked about our eating disorders with a candor unavailable to us at the lunch table.When I messaged boys I liked, I learned to have conversations where there was no pressure to arrive at a right answer.In 2001, I was 16, sitting at the computer in the family room when my best friend, Marla M12, found me on AIM.I hid a smirk with a frown so my mom wouldn’t wonder what I was up to — at that moment, trying not to be turned on.But some things are still hard to do, and maybe they’ll only get harder the more digital intermediaries pop up, giving us alternatives to face-to-face intimacy.A few months ago, a friend from graduate school asked if I wanted to Gchat (which has since folded into Google Hangouts). Vulnerable women used to be suspected of witchcraft. AIM created “a safe space,” genderqueer writer and performer RE Katz tells me. mostly faking, some experimenting, performance.” That performance — complete with the costume of a font and the character of a username — was an attempt at being clever or sexy, at crafting a self. : The Story of 8 Best Friends, 1 Year, and Way, Way Too Many Emails” and the Twitter account @Your Away Message.

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“It was pleasurable to meet new people and learn that you were ‘attractive’ somehow,” Katz recalls.

A friend of mine reminded me of the way, at sleepovers, we used to go into chat rooms, pretend to be in our 20s, and try to get men to “cyber,” the AIM version of phone sex.

Another friend recalled the time a boy we knew from school told us to get drunk while we chatted.

Katz told me AIM “was a way we learned to enact pleasure or demonstrate that we were feeling pleasure, even and especially if we weren’t.” At the same time we were using AIM, my best friends and I were also listening to NSync.

We were fans, but we made fun of one song: “Digital Get Down.” We thought it was “awkward” how NSync made a song about asking some girl to touch herself on a webcam.




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Trish didn’t know it yet, but the next few minutes would change her life. “We were hoping to get eighteen thousand dollars,” she said to the loan officer. ” Trish had been quietly wringing her hands in her lap, and now she looked down at them as though they belonged to a stranger. ” Callie opened her briefcase, spun it around to face them. Have you thought about your role in all this—I mean, thought about it? Special wasn’t the right word, she was more than that. “Uh huh.” Another round of hugs was in order and then they were gone. A quadriplegic little person on a ventilator, Victor’s metallic voice was singularly creepy. But those jobs were infrequent, so I began killing people for mob boss Sal Bonadello on the side.


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